The week had been a good one, starting with the Jessika being baptized, and then the kids second week of school (getting back in the groove), and a court of honor awarding Jeremy with a very prestigous scout award! We worked hard at repainting our house and getting things (our lives) in order. My family was here in town and Saturday August 22nd we spent swimming and hanging out. Jeremy wasn't feeling very well and so he opted to stay home and rest. He met up with us that evening for dinner and games at my sisters house. We enjoyed pizza. Jeremy was on a silly diet and hadn't eaten much the past week other than healthy lettuce, spinach, salad stuff. He was trying to stay away from carbs for sure. But that night we had some of his favorite pizza (Papa Murphys) so he couldn't resist. (I was glad to know he atleast ate something he enjoyed).
We all sat around visiting, the girls danced and sang and danced and sang some more. Jeremy always loved to dance with his girls and that was just what he did. He danced with his girls that night. We also played games. Jeremy loved to play games (he mostly loved winning games!) and that is just what he did. Jeremy loved to play video games and when we came home that is just what he did. I convinced him to watch the new "Hannah Montana Movie"-not something he wanted to do, but he did it anyways. That was just what he did! Then as I was 5 months pregnant and exhausted, I went to bed.
And that was that!
6 am comes awfully early on a Sunday when you have to get up and have your family ready and off to church by 8am. So as I looked at the clock dreading the sound of the alarm I laid there in my bed wondering what the latest possible moment I could get up and how many times I could push the snooze button and still get all of us ready on time. After zoning in and out, I was startled awake by a very loud noise. It was Jeremy. First, I thought is he snoring, and I turned over to see, seeing something wrong, hollaring his name, shaking him to wake up, grabbing the phone, dialing 911, and trying to stay calm all at once (a very hard thing to do), I thought I heard him utter a faint "dial 911" and then I believe that was basically the end. He laid there as I had already dialed 911, was talking with them, and as it seemed they were here almost immediately (I believe Heavenly Father had something to do with helping me to stay a little calm). It all happened really fast.
My 12 year old son heard me hollaring Jeremy's name and came running in wondering what was going on. I told him to run downstairs and get my cell phone and call grandma and grandpa (who were at my sisters about 7 minutes away). (They seemed to come in like two minutes-some day I'll have to ask them how they did that!) I dialed my neighbor (the Bishop's wife) hoping to have him come down. They were in meetings, but within seconds one of the counsellors was here (he is a doctor). He came up to the room where the parimedics were working on Jeremy. Then the Bishop and other counsellor came.
My other three children were all still asleep. I feared they would wake up and see their dad laying there in the hall at the top of the stairs with all these strange people around him and be really scared. Two of them stayed asleep, my youngest (6 @ the time) woke up but the counsellor noticed her and handed her over the wall to us without too much of her knowing what was happening.
We all hung out downstairs while they tried to stabalize him long enough to transport him to the nearest hospital. I know I had a continual prayer running through my mind, but I don't remember much else. Just wondering what was going on. They had to pump him with epinephrine and do CPR and he would last about 7 minutes and then they had to repeat the process. They decided they couldn't get him anymore stable than he was and so in a very big rush they took off in the ambulance. My dad, Anthony (my oldest 12 @ the time), and I left immediately for the hospital.
The ER staff continued to do the above process for about 70 minutes. One of the longest hours of my life I'd say for sure. The ER personnel worked and worked and did everything they could to figure out what was the problem but they were left with nothing. They pronounced him dead Sunday morning August 23, 2009. Time stood still...I didn't know what to say, what to do, how to react, so many things going through my mind, and yet, time just stopped.
There I was, my husband gone, nothing could be done, was it for real? What - no - this can't be, we have 4 kids, one on the way, we have to go to church, you Jeremy, have to go to work, we have to raise these children, we have callings to fulfill, homework to help with, bills to pay, a baby to have, work ethics to teach our children, family home evening on Monday nights, ball games and recitals to attend, birthdays and Christmases to be had, and so many more, too many things, but most of all there was LIFE TO BE LIVED!...and there he was, just lying there still as can be, peaceful, calm, and cold.
They gave me his wedding band and offered there apologies and condolences and then escorted us off to a room where we could have some time. They were going to send in knowledgable people about this kind of stuff, give us papers on steps to follow, and things to think about, figure out and who can help. Most of it was just a blurr...Now all I could think about was my children, my Anthony who was with me, and the other three who were home. Were they awake? Who was there with them? Did they know? What have they been told? And I believe the panic began to settle in very quickly. VERY VERY QUICKLY!
In the room, we sat, stared, cried, thought, and listened. The first of very many Priesthood blessings were given to help me and my son be able to cope and continue on with the event that just happened in front of our very lives. My dear friends came to see me and I was also ever so grateful to see them. But as panic set in, I wanted to go to my children. I needed my children, so off we went. My parents were there and a very strong support through it all. I probably would've just crawled up on the bed and stayed with Jeremy if they hadn't been there.
My dad took Anthony and I home. When I got there the kids were totally happy upstairs just playing and having fun with their aunts and cousins. In fact even when I wanted them to come I don't think they really wanted to stop what they were doing. Do you blame them?
And so...I gathered my children on the couch around me and with a very real, but unseen support, I proceeded to explain that "Daddy had gone to Heaven to be with Jesus". I told them that I didn't know why, but Heavenly Father needed their daddy in Heaven and that he needed to take him away from this earth to help Him. I don't know everything that was said or done, but I remember just thinking to myself "my husband is gone and I'm sitting here having this conversation with my children, but how..?..How am I just not a wreck screaming, crying, howling, hurting??? Well, yes, I was definetely hurting. My heart had just broke-broke straight in two. And yes, it hurt. And there for a long time and even many times still, I feel my heart ache and ache and ache! But How, well all I know is much unseen strength and comfort from the other side of the veil. Like I was floating in my body but not really there. Because again, I wonder how could I do this all...so calm?
And there it was...my life changed forever...changed!
I now had to somehow figure it all out. Thank goodness, I was not alone. I had so much help and support and I am ever so grateful to everyone for those that were there holding me up, holding down the fort, to those that were praying in their hearts for our family. I've truly seen the help and comfort of service and charity first hand from a multitude of people. And that is how I did it. How I began to figure it all out!
Anthony decided he needed to go to church. He felt he needed to tell the deacons quorum the news, as his dad was the scoutmaster and the deacons quorum counsellor. Bless his heart as he changed and proceeded to walk to church. We told him he didn't need to go, that it was already being taken care of, but he was very insistant. As we all knew he shouldn't go alone, my dear dad (grandpa), in shorts and t-shirt from the frantic phone call early that morning, went with him to be a support. He went, he tried his best, he talked to the quorum and then returned home realizing that the road ahead was not going to be easy.
Time stood still, the day did not. Jeremy's parents flew in immediately following the news. Family, friends, neighbors, ward members began to show up. The deacons quorum came by with letters of sorrow for Anthony. Tons of food, gifts, but most of all LOVE poured in and overflowed our room, our house, our lives!
I realized I had to get down to business as there were many decisions and plans to be made soon, very very soon. And those of you that know me, know decisions are not my forte! What funeral home to use, when to have a funeral, how are we set to pay for such an expense, where is the life insurance policies, are they up to date, what kind of program for the funeral, who to sing, who to talk, who to pray, viewing info, and the most difficult decision-where to bury him? We had never discussed things like this before. I had no idea where to start. Well...I admit, we talked about life insurance, we paid for life insurance, but that was it. We never discussed what we would do if one or the other were to die. Let me give each of you a warning...don't let this pass you by without discussing some of these things with your spouses. Please, please, make it a little easier on the one left behind by atleast talking about it and then hope and pray it doesn't happen for a very very long time! I'm sure it won't.
As the days passed we continued with the arrangements. Visiting the funeral home, picking out flowers, a casket, a sign-in book, a cover to put the casket in, a program, etc... We were so blessed to have help from very dear friends and family as everyone worked so hard to help with all the details...a beautiful program for the services, wonderful pictures, wonderful food for the luncheon, memory books and pictures, and many other things to help make the funeral services the most beautiful and wonderful services possible. We are ever in your debt for all you've done! Thank you so much!
3 comments:
Gina, I don't know how you ever wrote that but I am glad you did. I remember playing cards the last night you guys were in Orem three weeks before Jeremy passed away. I remember Jeff and I not caring how late we were staying, that our kids were running around crazy, and that it was tons of fun. When we left that night we were talking about how much you and Jeremy had changed somehow. Your entire family just seemed to be happy and peaceful. (not that you weren't always a happy family but it just felt more like a spiritual/glowing kind-of happy) Jeff and I were commenting on how we couldn't wait for that day when things slow down, kids grow up a little, and things will just finally click and become easier....haha I want you to know what an example you and Jeremy are to Jeff and I. We love you and continue to keep you in our prayers!
Gina - thank you for sharing that...I know that just writing it all down must have been hard, thank you for reminding me of what's important..I think of you often and hope you are well..(and thanks for the good cry..:)
Gina, oh Gina oh Gina. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you and your kids. I can't imagine how hard it was to write that post. It was tough just reading it. (lots of tears and memories) but thank you for sharing and reminding us what is most important in our lives. I love you.
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