Is It Real?

*Warning - The pictures below may be disturbing to some and I just want you to be warned. I had to post them as it is a part of me, my life, and my children's lives.*

So the days passed, the nights too, unfortunately, yet fortunately...as the only thing left to do now was to move on, move past, and move forward!

Family came from all over, arrangements were in order, decisions were made and the time had come to get ready for the viewing. My wonderful aunt sent a gift card for me to purchase something to wear, and that was so needed. (5 months pregnant-not really in my wardrobe for a funeral/viewing). So my mom, sisters, and I headed off to go shopping. I wasn't the only one with need for new clothing...we enjoyed the time together, and my dear sisters and mom were so wonderful to be patient and helpful while I searched and searched for something that I liked and felt comfortable in as the night and day to come would be very very long...

We got ready for the viewing (there really was no "WE" - I didn't do anything...) Sisters, sister-in-laws, mother, mother-in-law, brothers, brother-in-laws, father, father-in-law, and friends all pitched in getting my children ready, serving food, gathering knick knacks/pictures for the viewing, and cleaning up. And I continued to do nothing...

My sisters did my hair, painted my nails, and dolled me up. My dad gave me a Priesthood Blessing...

(A good friend told me to get a blessing everyday, that's what she did when she lost her son. I followed that wonderful advice and know that is how I did it, how I made it through, and even now every so often, I ask my father for a blessing to help me...with EVERYTHING!)

...and we were off. Off to see Jeremy. It was HARD... So HARD...as my children and I went in, tears began (or continued as they had for days). My children and I in silence not really sure what to do, what to say, what to think, or even how to act...not sure how I was going to make it through the night, the next day, and then the next day, the burial. But like I said earlier, I did make it. I made with the complete and total support of a dear and loving Heavenly Father, His Son, the knowledge of the plan of salvation, my family, Jeremy's family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, so many people, people I didn't even know-who knew Jeremy. We made it. So many people coming from all over who knew Jeremy, people who's lives had been affected by one single man, JEREMY! He was so loved and I received so many inspiring stories of the love, fun, and joy he brought to so many people.

And so the night wore on and on and then it was over, time to go home. So we did. Exhausted, worn out, sad, broken hearted, and yet, feeling that it was a good night. So many memories, so much love, and a total out of body experience, as I looked back and couldn't believe "Was this me, was this really happening to me and my family?"

My children were so strong, they embraced their father as they wondered around the room, looking at memorbilia, visiting with family, extended family, and friends. Reality hit in and out as they saw him lying there. He looked so peaceful, but he was cold and they knew he was not in that body anymore. And yet, I honestly believe they felt his arms around them through the night, as I did, I know there was someone there holding me up the entire night.