FORGET IT!

So today I say "forget it!" As in trying to get all caught up before blogging the present. Well that is just not working for me at all. I have decided that I will try another approach that is blog now, what I know the pictures are, the dates, the people, the time frame, etc... Maybe this will work, maybe it won't; all I can do is try, so CHEERS to trying something new!

Is It Real?

*Warning - The pictures below may be disturbing to some and I just want you to be warned. I had to post them as it is a part of me, my life, and my children's lives.*

So the days passed, the nights too, unfortunately, yet fortunately...as the only thing left to do now was to move on, move past, and move forward!

Family came from all over, arrangements were in order, decisions were made and the time had come to get ready for the viewing. My wonderful aunt sent a gift card for me to purchase something to wear, and that was so needed. (5 months pregnant-not really in my wardrobe for a funeral/viewing). So my mom, sisters, and I headed off to go shopping. I wasn't the only one with need for new clothing...we enjoyed the time together, and my dear sisters and mom were so wonderful to be patient and helpful while I searched and searched for something that I liked and felt comfortable in as the night and day to come would be very very long...

We got ready for the viewing (there really was no "WE" - I didn't do anything...) Sisters, sister-in-laws, mother, mother-in-law, brothers, brother-in-laws, father, father-in-law, and friends all pitched in getting my children ready, serving food, gathering knick knacks/pictures for the viewing, and cleaning up. And I continued to do nothing...

My sisters did my hair, painted my nails, and dolled me up. My dad gave me a Priesthood Blessing...

(A good friend told me to get a blessing everyday, that's what she did when she lost her son. I followed that wonderful advice and know that is how I did it, how I made it through, and even now every so often, I ask my father for a blessing to help me...with EVERYTHING!)

...and we were off. Off to see Jeremy. It was HARD... So HARD...as my children and I went in, tears began (or continued as they had for days). My children and I in silence not really sure what to do, what to say, what to think, or even how to act...not sure how I was going to make it through the night, the next day, and then the next day, the burial. But like I said earlier, I did make it. I made with the complete and total support of a dear and loving Heavenly Father, His Son, the knowledge of the plan of salvation, my family, Jeremy's family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, so many people, people I didn't even know-who knew Jeremy. We made it. So many people coming from all over who knew Jeremy, people who's lives had been affected by one single man, JEREMY! He was so loved and I received so many inspiring stories of the love, fun, and joy he brought to so many people.

And so the night wore on and on and then it was over, time to go home. So we did. Exhausted, worn out, sad, broken hearted, and yet, feeling that it was a good night. So many memories, so much love, and a total out of body experience, as I looked back and couldn't believe "Was this me, was this really happening to me and my family?"

My children were so strong, they embraced their father as they wondered around the room, looking at memorbilia, visiting with family, extended family, and friends. Reality hit in and out as they saw him lying there. He looked so peaceful, but he was cold and they knew he was not in that body anymore. And yet, I honestly believe they felt his arms around them through the night, as I did, I know there was someone there holding me up the entire night.

My Life Changed Forever!

So I don't know what I am waiting for to write my next post...It's the one I dread most of all, I guess. I have to say that I'd really like to get it done as the ones following it are just piling up one on top of another and another now and I'm really getting to feel like I'll never get caught up to date!

The week had been a good one, starting with the Jessika being baptized, and then the kids second week of school (getting back in the groove), and a court of honor awarding Jeremy with a very prestigous scout award! We worked hard at repainting our house and getting things (our lives) in order. My family was here in town and Saturday August 22nd we spent swimming and hanging out. Jeremy wasn't feeling very well and so he opted to stay home and rest. He met up with us that evening for dinner and games at my sisters house. We enjoyed pizza. Jeremy was on a silly diet and hadn't eaten much the past week other than healthy lettuce, spinach, salad stuff. He was trying to stay away from carbs for sure. But that night we had some of his favorite pizza (Papa Murphys) so he couldn't resist. (I was glad to know he atleast ate something he enjoyed).

We all sat around visiting, the girls danced and sang and danced and sang some more. Jeremy always loved to dance with his girls and that was just what he did. He danced with his girls that night. We also played games. Jeremy loved to play games (he mostly loved winning games!) and that is just what he did. Jeremy loved to play video games and when we came home that is just what he did. I convinced him to watch the new "Hannah Montana Movie"-not something he wanted to do, but he did it anyways. That was just what he did! Then as I was 5 months pregnant and exhausted, I went to bed.

And that was that!

6 am comes awfully early on a Sunday when you have to get up and have your family ready and off to church by 8am. So as I looked at the clock dreading the sound of the alarm I laid there in my bed wondering what the latest possible moment I could get up and how many times I could push the snooze button and still get all of us ready on time. After zoning in and out, I was startled awake by a very loud noise. It was Jeremy. First, I thought is he snoring, and I turned over to see, seeing something wrong, hollaring his name, shaking him to wake up, grabbing the phone, dialing 911, and trying to stay calm all at once (a very hard thing to do), I thought I heard him utter a faint "dial 911" and then I believe that was basically the end. He laid there as I had already dialed 911, was talking with them, and as it seemed they were here almost immediately (I believe Heavenly Father had something to do with helping me to stay a little calm). It all happened really fast.

My 12 year old son heard me hollaring Jeremy's name and came running in wondering what was going on. I told him to run downstairs and get my cell phone and call grandma and grandpa (who were at my sisters about 7 minutes away). (They seemed to come in like two minutes-some day I'll have to ask them how they did that!) I dialed my neighbor (the Bishop's wife) hoping to have him come down. They were in meetings, but within seconds one of the counsellors was here (he is a doctor). He came up to the room where the parimedics were working on Jeremy. Then the Bishop and other counsellor came.

My other three children were all still asleep. I feared they would wake up and see their dad laying there in the hall at the top of the stairs with all these strange people around him and be really scared. Two of them stayed asleep, my youngest (6 @ the time) woke up but the counsellor noticed her and handed her over the wall to us without too much of her knowing what was happening.

We all hung out downstairs while they tried to stabalize him long enough to transport him to the nearest hospital. I know I had a continual prayer running through my mind, but I don't remember much else. Just wondering what was going on. They had to pump him with epinephrine and do CPR and he would last about 7 minutes and then they had to repeat the process. They decided they couldn't get him anymore stable than he was and so in a very big rush they took off in the ambulance. My dad, Anthony (my oldest 12 @ the time), and I left immediately for the hospital.

The ER staff continued to do the above process for about 70 minutes. One of the longest hours of my life I'd say for sure. The ER personnel worked and worked and did everything they could to figure out what was the problem but they were left with nothing. They pronounced him dead Sunday morning August 23, 2009. Time stood still...I didn't know what to say, what to do, how to react, so many things going through my mind, and yet, time just stopped.

There I was, my husband gone, nothing could be done, was it for real? What - no - this can't be, we have 4 kids, one on the way, we have to go to church, you Jeremy, have to go to work, we have to raise these children, we have callings to fulfill, homework to help with, bills to pay, a baby to have, work ethics to teach our children, family home evening on Monday nights, ball games and recitals to attend, birthdays and Christmases to be had, and so many more, too many things, but most of all there was LIFE TO BE LIVED!...and there he was, just lying there still as can be, peaceful, calm, and cold.

They gave me his wedding band and offered there apologies and condolences and then escorted us off to a room where we could have some time. They were going to send in knowledgable people about this kind of stuff, give us papers on steps to follow, and things to think about, figure out and who can help. Most of it was just a blurr...Now all I could think about was my children, my Anthony who was with me, and the other three who were home. Were they awake? Who was there with them? Did they know? What have they been told? And I believe the panic began to settle in very quickly. VERY VERY QUICKLY!

In the room, we sat, stared, cried, thought, and listened. The first of very many Priesthood blessings were given to help me and my son be able to cope and continue on with the event that just happened in front of our very lives. My dear friends came to see me and I was also ever so grateful to see them. But as panic set in, I wanted to go to my children. I needed my children, so off we went. My parents were there and a very strong support through it all. I probably would've just crawled up on the bed and stayed with Jeremy if they hadn't been there.

My dad took Anthony and I home. When I got there the kids were totally happy upstairs just playing and having fun with their aunts and cousins. In fact even when I wanted them to come I don't think they really wanted to stop what they were doing. Do you blame them?

And so...I gathered my children on the couch around me and with a very real, but unseen support, I proceeded to explain that "Daddy had gone to Heaven to be with Jesus". I told them that I didn't know why, but Heavenly Father needed their daddy in Heaven and that he needed to take him away from this earth to help Him. I don't know everything that was said or done, but I remember just thinking to myself "my husband is gone and I'm sitting here having this conversation with my children, but how..?..How am I just not a wreck screaming, crying, howling, hurting??? Well, yes, I was definetely hurting. My heart had just broke-broke straight in two. And yes, it hurt. And there for a long time and even many times still, I feel my heart ache and ache and ache! But How, well all I know is much unseen strength and comfort from the other side of the veil. Like I was floating in my body but not really there. Because again, I wonder how could I do this all...so calm?

And there it was...my life changed forever...changed!

I now had to somehow figure it all out. Thank goodness, I was not alone. I had so much help and support and I am ever so grateful to everyone for those that were there holding me up, holding down the fort, to those that were praying in their hearts for our family. I've truly seen the help and comfort of service and charity first hand from a multitude of people. And that is how I did it. How I began to figure it all out!

Anthony decided he needed to go to church. He felt he needed to tell the deacons quorum the news, as his dad was the scoutmaster and the deacons quorum counsellor. Bless his heart as he changed and proceeded to walk to church. We told him he didn't need to go, that it was already being taken care of, but he was very insistant. As we all knew he shouldn't go alone, my dear dad (grandpa), in shorts and t-shirt from the frantic phone call early that morning, went with him to be a support. He went, he tried his best, he talked to the quorum and then returned home realizing that the road ahead was not going to be easy.

Time stood still, the day did not. Jeremy's parents flew in immediately following the news. Family, friends, neighbors, ward members began to show up. The deacons quorum came by with letters of sorrow for Anthony. Tons of food, gifts, but most of all LOVE poured in and overflowed our room, our house, our lives!

I realized I had to get down to business as there were many decisions and plans to be made soon, very very soon. And those of you that know me, know decisions are not my forte! What funeral home to use, when to have a funeral, how are we set to pay for such an expense, where is the life insurance policies, are they up to date, what kind of program for the funeral, who to sing, who to talk, who to pray, viewing info, and the most difficult decision-where to bury him? We had never discussed things like this before. I had no idea where to start. Well...I admit, we talked about life insurance, we paid for life insurance, but that was it. We never discussed what we would do if one or the other were to die. Let me give each of you a warning...don't let this pass you by without discussing some of these things with your spouses. Please, please, make it a little easier on the one left behind by atleast talking about it and then hope and pray it doesn't happen for a very very long time! I'm sure it won't.

As the days passed we continued with the arrangements. Visiting the funeral home, picking out flowers, a casket, a sign-in book, a cover to put the casket in, a program, etc... We were so blessed to have help from very dear friends and family as everyone worked so hard to help with all the details...a beautiful program for the services, wonderful pictures, wonderful food for the luncheon, memory books and pictures, and many other things to help make the funeral services the most beautiful and wonderful services possible. We are ever in your debt for all you've done! Thank you so much!

Catch Up

Well, for the next while, I'll be playing "catch up" as my blog is my journal, the closest thing that will ever come to it, anyway. I sure hope I can begin some sort of consistency and get "caught up" real soon!

SUMMER 2009

The kids once again did swim team. We love it, but it sure takes extreme effort on my part, as I am NOT a MORNING person...NOT AT ALL! But, needless to say swim team for my 12 year old started at 6:30 and by the time we got through all four kids Chelsey's ended about 9:30 am. So, every morning by 9:30 am, I was usually beat! What a way to start the morning. Actually, I made a really good effort to walk the track first thing (trying to beat the heat, but it always kicked me in the butt anyway!) and then I chased in the car from the pool to home, home to the pool, back home, back to the pool, and home again, Mon thru Fri, the last week of May till the 3rd week in July. The kids always do really well and are fabulous swimmers.

Where's Anthony? No Se (I don't know??)! I'm not sure why we have no pics of our dear Anthony, maybe he was just too FAST for us!...and...Chelsey took atleast one of these pictures of herself, as she not so patiently waited for her siblings to compete in their meets, before it was her time to compete! (maybe another clue as to why no pics of Anthony - maybe mom couldn't get her hands on the camera!)

I MISS MY FRIEND!

So tonight I watched a movie (Letters To God), and I began to think. . .

A year ago, this coming Monday, I woke up to a most unexpected tragedy and trial that I believe I will ever have to face. I lost my dear sweetheart. As I watched the movie, I thought about how I didn’t know how I’d ever get through this challenge, and to realize that I have made it, I made it through a whole year. I made it through death, a funeral, teaching my children about where their father is and why he is there and why God needed him more than we did. I told them we will be okay and we will make it. I don’t know how, but we just will. I made it through the long silent lonely nights, the birthdays, holidays, vacations, we must move on. I think one of the hardest was laying on the operating table while the doctors delivered my dear sweet little girl, Ashlyn Ray, knowing I was taking her away from her dad, but bringing her to come and join our family on earth so she could bring a sense of peace, joy, and happiness that our family so badly needed. And through it all, we have made it because of one Gracious Loving Heavenly Father, who hears and answers prayers, he guides and directs us, gives us courage, and helps us to be strong. He sends us ANGELS all around (PARENTS, CHILDREN, SISTERS, BROTHERS, AUNTS, UNCLES, COUSINS, GRANDPARENTS, FRIENDS, NEIGHBORS, AND WARD MEMBERS) to lift and carry us through the burdens we must bare. I am ever so grateful and in extreme debt to the Angels he has placed in our life and path to help us to make it this far! I pray constantly for strength to continue onward in faith to make it through another night, day, month, and years to come…I don’t know what I’d do without the Angels who God has sent to literally hold us up and help us make it through. I know this road isn’t over, I know it is still very long and windy, but I know that we will continue to make it!

“ I Miss My Friend, The One My Heart And Soul Confided In, The One I Felt The Safest With, The One Who Knew Just What To Say To Make Me Laugh Again, Let The Light Back In, I Miss My Friend………………
I MISS MY FRIEND!”

I LOVE YOU JEREMY!

Catching Up...

Well a quick few notes to get me closer to being up to date on my so called journaling...

The first week of summer break brought us to Zion's National Park, were the Nichols Family held a fantastic family reunion. We all camped outside the park and enjoyed the beautiful park on a daily basis. We enjoyed camp cooking, being out in nature, four wheelers, hiking, driving through the LONG tunnel, and playing in the river, going over mild rapids on tubes. We all had a wonderful time and the kids look forward to being able to camp, reunion, and etc... with the family again soon!

One night the girls, Jeremy, & I went to Chick-fil-A, not too exciting, but they had an awesome balloon man. He made just about anything. The girls got a very cute Jasmine and Rainbow.

4th of July isn't much to speak of here in the 115 degree temperatures, but we always find a couple fun things to do. Anthony spent his morning making this fancy desert cake to be festive for the holiday! We also enjoyed a BBQ with friends and fireworks that night!

On July 17th we enjoyed celebrating Chelsey's 6th birthday. Wow, was she excited. She loves her birthdays from birthday breakfast to spankings, to presents, to going ice skating!

After her birthday, on the 18th, the kids and I headed up for our annual visit to Utah to see the grandparents and cousins. We went to St. George first and visited, enjoying swimming everyday in Grandma & Grandpa's pool, going to the movies, to the Tuachan (we saw 'Annie' this year-mom also got to see 'Footloose'), shopping, and many other many fun memories with Grandma & Grandpa & the Wall cousins. After the Wall family went home, we went to Cedar Breaks one day and enjoyed exploring and hiking through some really fun caves. Aunt Julie & Boston joined us we enjoyed lunch in Cedar City and a full day of awesome fun hikes and explorations!

After that, I was to drive to Las Vegas, so I could meet Jeremy and bring him back the next day to join the family for the rest of our Utah vacation. So, in a rush, an hour or two later than Jeremy wished for me to leave, I was on the road to Vegas. I got there and got off on the wrong exit and it took me over an hour just to travel about 10 miles or less to the Luxor, where I'd meet Jeremy. I got there and put my stuff in the room about 10pm. Jeremy had made reservations at a very fancy restaurant inside the Luxor. (Can't remember the name). But this was a fancy place, once inside and seated, we read over the menu and I felt like the options given were foreign. The steaks all had fancy names, with the actual type of animal it came from and how the animal was actually fed. The prices were out there, way outta my ball park, but that was what Jeremy wanted. He wanted to make me feel very special and he wanted to eat at a very NICE restaurant. I'm sure the bill was well over 250.00 and that was just two of us for dinner. We were both way too full for desert. It was a very nice dinner and the atmosphere was wonderful. We felt like time had stood still for a while as we visited and enjoyed this wonderful meal. Around midnight, I think we nearly were finished (hence, time standing still...)

We enjoyed a night by ourselves and then Jeremy rose up early to visit with clients before we headed out of town. He wanted to treat me to a nice breakfast, but being still full from the nights dinner, we opted out of town and grabbed a quick Jack In The Box, just before getting out of Vegas. The kids were excited to have their dad join us. We hung out in St. George for the day and then up early the next morning to head to Orem. We enjoyed a nice week in Orem, with Jeremy's family, visiting Grandma & Grandpa, and more cousins! We especially enjoyed Beautiful Weather - being able to be outside at night and not feel like you were in a sauna! We also were able to celebrate Jessika's eightth birthday. She had a great day, as she also loves her birthdays! We had a party/BBQ for here. She had a great party with the families and cousins, ending with Ghost in the Graveyard!

We had a great vacation, visiting all the grandparents and cousins. We headed back home on the 5th of August, so we could get Jeremy back to work, and the kids ready for their first day of school on the 10th.

August 10th brought the first day of school. The kids were excited, but mom, maybe, was more excited! Each of our kids got in classes with excellent teachers and we were really excited to be off to a great start to the new school year.

The 15th of August, was a very special day! BAPTISM DAY! Jessika was baptized by her dad and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints by her dad also. We were very blessed to have both sets of grandparents here and many aunts/uncles/cousins. It was a great day and Jessika was so happy. She will remember and treasure that day forever.

Jeremy's parents left Sunday. We were able to have my parents stay for a week afterwards. So, as the kids were in school, we enjoyed shopping, going to lunch, and painting our living room/downstairs hallway with the help of mom. She really goes to town when there is something to be done. It was great to have her here for her motivation and hard work. She got things moved, walls cleaned, edges taped, and got to work on painting. I helped when she would let me, and Jeremy helped with rolling the two coats of paint on the big walls. Mom worked on the detail, trim, and stuff that takes more time than rolling. It was so nice with the help we were able to have the rooms done in about 2 days. Something, if I had started on my own, would've taken me weeks, probably!

Aug. 18th we attended Anthony's Court of Honor. He recieved many merit badges and his LIFE Scout Rank. Way to go, Anthony. We were also very proud that Jeremy was able to recieve an award that night also. He was awarded an award for three years of scouting service and completing all of the training. It was also a very special night!